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Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:00:00

Do you hate receiving feedback? Maybe you just hate the word. You could use different words, better words, such as growth or maybe just information. Maybe you just dislike feedback. Maybe you're like me, where you think you're open to feedback. Maybe even think you're good at receiving feedback. Yet you're suddenly shocked to learn that people are hesitant to offer it to you, and you don't understand why. Today, we're going to dive into feedback, and we're going to talk more about how to receive it and what to even do with it.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:00:41

Welcome to The Grit Show, where our focus is growth on purpose. I'm your host, Shawna Rodrigues, and I'm honored to be part of this community as we journey together with our grit intact to learn more about how to thrive and how to get the most out of life. It means a lot that you are here today. As you listen, I encourage you to think of who may appreciate the tidbits of knowledge we are sharing and to take a moment to pass this along to them. Everyone appreciates the friend that thinks of them, and these conversations are meant to be shared and to spark even more connections.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:01:20

It wasn't too long ago that I visited my grandma whom I love dearly and who is very loving and tender. And she instantly commented on how much weight I had gained. If I remember correctly, it was also at a time where I had actually lost some weight. Not that I've seen her recently enough that she should have noticed, but it was kind of hard feedback to hear, and it was definitely unsolicited.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:01:47

Have you received unsolicited feedback that was possibly hard to hear? How did you handle it? The dress I happen to be wearing was a little low cut and that she was probably seeing more cleavage than she was used to, and that perhaps that was where the comment was coming from. But in the moment, I definitely thought, have I? Is that the first thing she sees about me? I suppressed any comments that I had on her weight and felt like a monster for even thinking of commenting on that. But we're all human. I'm definitely human, and we are programmed to start being critical of others as soon as we feel criticized. Right?

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:02:33

Today, we're going to talk more about how to respond in that moment, but also what to do with that information, what to do with that feedback. Sometimes, it's your grandma. Sometimes, it's your boss, co-worker, sometimes it's a complete stranger online. Sometimes it's a loved one and it's really hard to hear.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:02:54

It can be your partner, your kids, your sister, your parents. In most of the cases, your response is actually fairly standard. And I'll be clear. I'm no expert on this. I'm learning alongside all of you and trying to find better ways of handling these things and supporting you as you try to figure it out as well. Process might be different, what you do with the information based on who you're hearing it from. And it may take a bit for you to figure out how to respond. But what matters most is what the feedback is with what you do with it.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:03:29

Some things can be categorically dismissed based on where they come from, based on the fact the person doesn't know you and the information has nothing to do with you and you can just let it go. But oftentimes, it takes a minute to check-in about whether or not it resonates with you and whether or not it's something that you want to consider if it is something you want to look at and if it belongs in your life or if there's a pattern. And patterns are definitely something we like to look at when we're receiving feedback to make sure it's not just a one off. It's not just coming from that person and where they're at and what they're dealing with and feedback that maybe they need to receive or they need to be giving. Today, we aren't going to be discussing how to give feedback. That's a whole other episode, if not a series of trainings. I have done trainings on difficult conversations and loved having that conversation and it requires follow-up and feedback follows under difficult conversations. Right? Knowing how to give it right and the relationships and all the complex pieces that go with it.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:04:33

So, we're going to save that for another time. Right now, we're going to focus on how to receive that feedback. I recently read a post in a Facebook group and after reading it, I actually wasn't surprised that I recognized the name of the person that wrote it. It was a large public forum, but it was somebody that I worked with or interact with. And so, when I read it, I was thinking, this sounds like and then sure enough, that's exactly who it was. They felt wronged by someone. We've all seen those posts and they went online to feel supported in their outrage. We've all know no’s and we probably empathize with some of those.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:05:10

Right? And we recognize that they aren't really looking for feedback. However, in one of their responses, they specifically noted, they just wish the person would have given them direct feedback and told them what might have been off. That's all they wanted. They wanted to be told directly and honestly, if they should have done things differently, what the problem was. And they've just been given a vague response and didn't respond to deeper inquiry. So, they stated they could have handled it and I happened to have that information based on my interactions with them, what might have gone on. So, I mistakenly took the opportunity and looked past their overall defensiveness and their need to make this post in the first place to see that maybe, they really did just want some honest feedback and maybe it would help them to have that. I definitely decided not to post it publicly, but just to send them a private message about my direct experience with them, although it was a year old, that had me wishing I had taken the same steps as the other person had.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:06:25

So, I gave them that feedback on why I may have had the same reaction that they did even though I didn't a year ago because I wasn't mature enough or feeling strong enough to follow through the way that they had. So, I also noted positives about them and clearly outlined this was offering the feedback that they were asking for, a gift of my time and insight based on their public assertion that that's what they wanted, was some direct feedback as to why this had occurred. I also let them know that the reason they may not have gotten the direct feedback is because maybe they weren't open to feedback and that being open to feedback meant to only have a responsive thank you and taking that under consideration. That arguing, defensiveness, long explanations, any long response would kind of show that maybe the person not responding to them was a good choice because it was just more energy and more churning and more time that it was taking. I didn't say this at the time, but it was them just looking for an opportunity to justify themselves instead of actually looking for feedback. Sure enough, I saw a very, very long response that I ignored for a couple of days because I was sorry, I had spent my time giving them a long, thoughtful response about my experience when it sounded like that's what they wanted and, sure enough, explained all the reasons I was wrong and gave me lots of advice on how I should have offered my feedback. Don't get me wrong, the information they offered about me having inquired about their situation, asking them more questions, getting more information are all markers of how to handle difficult conversation. But again, I wasn't handling difficult conversation.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:08:05

I was providing feedback that I mistakenly thought they were asking for and provided them in a private forum for them. And I had so many urges to say so much more response to them, to do exactly what they had done, to tell them I taught classes on difficult conversations, so I appreciate what they'd offered to me about how to ask questions and to learn more about the situation. But, again, I wasn't having a conversation with them. I was giving them the gift of information it sounds like they wanted. I wasn't trying to have a conversation and build a relationship with them that I had offered them the nice little piece at the end, but my gift was the time to write what I had written, not to fully engage in a long, difficult conversation. I did not know them well enough and did not need to build our relationship and do all of that piece for them. And I also wanted to, like, point out that they had not followed my request and that they had given me all this additional information when I had clearly let them know that all they needed to do was say thank you and take it under consideration. That's all they needed to do.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:09:13

Did I write all that? No. Was I amused by them? Yes. Did I feel that defensive piece slightly? Yes. And did I understand why they felt defensive in each right all of that? Yes. We're all human. We're all on a journey, and I definitely pointed out that this was all a journey in my response to them. So, this is something they're working on, something I was working on, and I practice the responsive feedback that I'm encouraging you to use and that I used. All I wrote was essentially, thank you for the feedback.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:09:53

And left it at that because that's really all we should be doing and then deciding what are that information we take in or don't take in. And to note that I had a moment where I noted, yes, this is information I know. Does he need to know this information I know? No. He's not someone whose opinion of me matters. He's not someone who I interact with on a regular basis. He's not someone who I will interact with going forward based on this interaction. So, it's not important that he have that information. If it was somebody close to you, there may be a point in time, probably not immediately after they give you the feedback, where you could share things if it is important for the ongoing relationship.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:10:39

But really, all that was important was I thanked him for his time and for offering me that information and left it as that, modeled how you receive feedback. It is one person's opinion and perspective. I know that I already need that information. Of course, I feel that urge to share it because I'm human and perhaps that urge will lessen, it definitely was less responding to him than it's been in other situations, especially work situations where it's harder for me to feel that somebody does know my value and does know what I offer and does the situation or for me to feel confident enough that I don't need to share that because I felt confident in my worth. But I know that I know those things. I know that people pay me to teach them those things, and he's not paying me to continue to teach him. I already gave him a great lesson and lots of valuable information for free. He doesn't need any more of my time.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:11:32

It was easy to walk away from that situation. So, I could thank him for the data he provided, even for something I knew and walk away. A little harder with grandma. Right? A little harder about the instance with the weight, but not because I was okay. I was confident that I had lost some weight, but it was triggering something else. We'll talk about that in just a minute. So, with the situation with my grandma, there was another layer for me. And that's the important thing that when you're receiving feedback for you to decide how to take it? So, there's a step to this process. Right?

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:12:12

The first step is you translate the feedback into information. Baseline information. So, for the individual who received feedback from me that I gave him online, the information was this person's opinion is that this is why, in their experience with me, this is why this occurred. It's just information. So, translate it to just information and then you thank the person for the information. So, for him, the response to me would have been, thank you for taking the time to share this information. It's not something I had previously and I will reflect on it. That simple.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:12:53

With my grandmother or maybe he didn't want to reflect on it. So, and that's fine. Being honest, being authentic is very, very important to me. So, it could just be like, thank you for taking the time to share your perspective and just end the sentence there. You don't even need to say that you'll reflect on it if you're not going to reflect on it, but don't be dishonest. That's fine. If you did see, like, that you should reflect on it, then you might say that. With my grandma, the best response I could've done, which I didn't do at the time, I don't exactly remember how I responded to her at the time, would be like, thank you for always paying attention to me. I love that you've looked after me all of these years and change the subject on that piece.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:13:34

That's probably the best way I could have handled with my grandma. So, you thank the person for the information, whatever it is. If it's a performance review at work and you do need to reflect on it and there's a potential that you need to give alternate perspective on it because it is a record for your employment then it is, I appreciate that you took the time to write this review and consider so much about my performance. I need some time to reflect on this and I will get back to you. Like, just think and if you're going to reflect, know that you're going to reflect on it. So, that's the first thing is you take it in, you treat it as neutral. It's information and then you thank them.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:14:11

And then when you step away, the first thing you need to do is check-in about your emotional response to the feedback. Because before you can treat it as neutral information, you have to process your emotional response. And there is an emotional response a lot of times to feedback, and sometimes it's not related to the information you received. So, for the gentleman who received the information from me online, like, what I was giving him information about, it might not have actually been about that information. I might have offered him valuable information that could help him in that situation in the future. But he had an emotional response for some reason related to what I said, related to how this other person behaved that triggered something that might have made it so he could not hear the actual information. With my grandmother, like, there was an emotional response and we can go through some of the different potential emotional responses.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:15:06

My fiancée who I processed it with in behalf of my grandmother, his note was that, you know, maybe she's remembering you from when you were a lot younger and you weigh considerably less because her memory is changing and she's not remembering things. So, maybe she's picturing you when you were 17 or 15 and not picturing you in the last 20 years even. So, if that had been the case, which it could have been the case, that was the case, then maybe my emotional response was recognizing that on some level and mourning the fact that my grandmother's memory is shifting and changing and she's changing. And maybe it's the fact that my grandmother would even say that when my grandmother, 10 years ago with her decorum, never would have said something like that. Right? And so, she's shifting and changing because she's aging and she's having less filters. And so, maybe my emotional response was about my grandmother changing and not about the information she's providing at all. Maybe it wasn't a case where I had lost weight and maybe I was gaining weight and it was something to look but instead of seeing that, I couldn't see that or take in that information because I was having an emotional response so my grandmother never saying something like that to me before and not expecting that from her and the fact she's changing and me not knowing what to do with that information. So, the emotional response is the first thing that you need to figure out. Like, what was that? Why did that hit a chord with me?

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:16:37

And that often takes someone else to process that with, like me processing with my fiancé, and that wasn't it for me. That was not the case for me. Or maybe it is that I had gained weight and the emotional response for me is that I know I've gained weight because I've been neglecting myself, because I've been prioritizing other people and haven't been keeping the promises to myself to work out or to hold to a course without or take care of myself, or I'm just not taking care of myself. And that's why it hit such a chord with me and that's why it was so hard for me to hear that. And so, being able to hear why it's hard and why it's striking a chord with the feedback is important. For me, the chord with the feedback in that specific situation was that I was actually going to be going back east and seeing people I hadn't seen in a long time because of the pandemic. This was some time ago. So, it was my first trip after the pandemic to go back east and see friends, and I got engaged since they've seen me last.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:17:32

Like, so many things had happened, and I did not want the first thing for them to see when they'd seen me to be that I gained weight because, again, I'd lost weight, but they hadn't seen me in so long that, had I gained weight since they last saw me? Because it'd been years. Pandemic, right? And I didn't want them to see that. I wanted them to see how happy I was and see these other pieces about me. And that's what I was worried about, what people would see first and what they would see first about me and not see my happiness and see those things. And they're my friends. They love me. They trust like, they wouldn't see that first. They would see all of other things about me, and I just need to trust that and believe that and be in that trusting, believing state, which my word of the year.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:18:15

You guys have a whole episode about that, that I need to believe more and trust more, and that's what I'm doing. But that was at that case, that was why it was the feeling for me. So, I needed to process the feeling to then be able to evaluate the information. And in that case, my grandmother, the information was not important and there was nothing I needed to do with it. In other cases, there's feedback where the information is important and there are things you need to do with it. And this will bring us to an example that I had with my podcast. The first time that The Grit Show that I put it out on a public forum online saying, hey. I would love feedback about my podcast, and people offer me feedback.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:18:52

My first response was to defend what they were offering me. I took the information. I actually made changes because of that information and give recommendations accordingly, but my first response was to justify and defend. Isn't that terrible? Don't you feel sorry for those people that were so generous with their time? I think I did thank them. I'm pretty sure I did thank them because I try to lead with that anyways, but I was still defensive and that it was not what I should have done. I should not have said, oh, well, big podcast do this and that's why I did this and no. It doesn't matter. It is valuable that they gave me this information and it has changed how I do the in-church to my podcast.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:19:36

So, when I first started, the trend, the thing I was told to do was that you just take a sound bite from later in your podcast and you start your podcast with a sound bite from later in your podcast. And a lot of really big podcasts do that and that is the time saving easy way to do that and that's what you're fed as the best way to do things. And I received feedback that that was confusing and disorienting. And when you started the podcast, they weren't sure if they were starting the podcast or what that was. That was gold. That was such valuable feedback and information and I had the need to say, well, that's how big podcasts do it. I'm sure I put that in my message back to the person that gave me that feedback. And I took that information in.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:20:18

I don't know that anymore. If you listen to this podcast, you know that it starts with me and my voice 90% of the time saying something about what you're going to get in the podcast episode. It's laborious. It slows down getting episodes out. But I feel like your experience is most important and you knowing where you are and being oriented at the start of the episode is key. And that's why it's done that way for you, for the listener because that feedback that I received early on, it was so valuable and I made changes accordingly. However, I may have thanked them for their time and for listening and offering feedback, but I still had to defend myself. Isn't that terrible? I should have just said, thank you so much. I will take that into consideration instead of defending myself and offering why. They don't need to know that. They don't care. They're not a podcaster. That's not valuable for them. There was no reason for me to do that. Again, I'm learning and growing as well. And also, my whole life, I'm sure I do that and did not realize that that would make people not want to give me feedback because I'm like, I took the feedback. I did something with it, not realizing that I was then making it hard to give me feedback.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:21:29

So, this goes to like, even when your kids give you feedback or information or other people that as soon as you defend, or offer why you're doing it, or you're negating why they're giving you feedback, you're not just saying thank you. And it's human nature. Right? I don't think I'm alone. Am I need to do that? So, I feel like that's why it's so important that your response is simply, thank you and possibly adding why it's valuable that they've done that for you. Right? Add that little piece in there and leave it at that and I will take that into consideration. I appreciate your time. I appreciate that you saw value in offering me that information and then you go back and reflect on it.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:22:12

So, if that person had done that and came back and said, maybe your podcast, The Grit Show, I really don't like it. It doesn't feel good to me. It doesn't sound good to me. I probably would have said to them, thank you. I appreciate your perspective. We'll have to let that. If I have 5 people that said that, I might have been like, should I look at The Grit Show? Is that maybe not a clear title? I think I did actually have somebody gave feedback on The Grit Show and I did not change things because to me, that really resonated and I felt like it was a good name because I was confident in the name and did that.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:22:49

But if there's enough, like, that's when you look for trends. Right? You look for more than just 1 person. Sometimes, like the person giving the feedback about the beginning, I'm like, yeah. That’s kind of right. Like, I know this is industry standard, but that is disorienting and confusing. I should take this into consideration and do this differently. So, you do that. Right? You take the information and you look for trends or you see if it resonates with you. And I'm going to get to a very personal example of how you need to evaluate feedback and sometimes not take it even from people that you love and adore.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:23:20

But we're going to start with a story. And that story is telling you about the way things are in my family that may have been the way things were in your family. So, I was the people pleaser. I was the one that always did the right thing. My mother was a martyr. She sacrificed for everyone and I took on that similar quality. I'm not the only one. I have other siblings that took that on as well.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:23:44

So, for instance, when we went out to dinner, which we very rarely did, I always chose the cheapest item on the menu. Was that you? Were you that person? So, I always, it's usually chicken strips. Luckily, I liked them. But always got the cheapest item on the menu. And it was celebrating to be an adult and not do that. And I actually have kids I take out to dinner that buy the most expensive thing, and I have to, like, pause and not get upset with them for that. Remember that that's either I set a limit on what we're spending before we order our meals or I let them order the full menu. I need to have boundaries for that or I need to let them have that ability to buy whatever they want. Right?

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:24:22

And I remember the first time I did not order the chicken strips. I ordered a hamburger or something more expensive and visibly saw the change in the adults of my family when I made that choice that I just blown the budget and felt the repercussions of that. Right? Because I was supposed to be making the sacrifices and not getting what I wanted because that was my role, was to not ask for what I want and not get what I want. And I spent a lot of my life realizing what I want, asking for what I want, and being comfortable with that. So, when I have somebody very close to me give me feedback that is very frustrating for them and upsetting for them when I asked for what I want and then I'm too demanding and I'm too specific and whatever else, that was feedback that I ignored, that I did not take in, that I did not make changes based on because I'd worked very hard to know what I want, ask for what I want, and be clear on what I want. And I know so many people, specifically women, who do not ask for what they want and are not confident in asking for what they want and getting what they want. So, this was a huge growth for me that I do this this was not something that I was going to change even for somebody that I love, that's important to me, whatever else.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:25:35

However, I wasn't good at acknowledging that I think because it was coming up again and again. But for me, it was something where I got the feedback and I didn't do that step of being grateful for it and thanking it and acknowledging it. And then, but I do reflect on it. And when I reflected on it, it was like, this is not a trend. This is 1 person in my life and this might be related more to them that they don't ask for what they want. They're not comfortable asking and making their demands known. They were raised similar to me. They were a people pleaser. They're not somebody who asks for what they want, and so whenever I do that, it triggers them because they aren't able to do that perhaps. Perhaps, not.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:25:15

So, consequently, like, that's not something for me to change if that's something I'm happy with what I am. I did not do a good job of thanking them and of saying I would take that in consideration or being authentic about the fact that, you know, I understand this is important for you, can we look at this a different way? And I might have talked about how, like, can we look at this? Is it the way that I ask? Is there something that I'm doing that I can do differently? And they didn't have good ways to reconcile that. So, that was challenging, but I did need to be more grateful about it. And once I finally was really authentic about, this is why this is important to me. Is there some other way we can do this? I love and care about you. Your experience is important to me as well. Can we look at this deeper together? Like, we got to a better place with it.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:27:00

But there are things about you that you might get feedback on. Like, I am somebody who's talkative, who's outgoing, who's these things and I'm happy being who I am. I love having a podcast. I want to have a podcast. If somebody's feedback was that I shouldn't have a podcast because they don't want to hear my voice, then that's okay. That's their opinion. But that's not going to change me having a podcast. So, sometimes, you get feedback and it needs to be feedback that you need to be strong enough in who you are and how you are that you can let that roll away and you can decide what to do about that.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:27:34

I had a review with one of my jobs when I've been out with my mom when she was terminally ill at that point doing her treatments for her melanoma and was gone for multiple days at a time in San Francisco for her treatments and I had to reduce one part of my job. I didn't do as many site visits and I was very conscious about it and said my supervisor that I'm going to have to reduce the number of sites visits I do so I can focus on my supervision and making sure that people I supervise are able to do their work and the home visits I'm running and focus on, but I can't do as many of the site visits because of this. So, this is what's going to have to give because I'm not going to be here as much because I'm under protected, legally protected leave to be with my family at this time and something has to give and that's the shift that I'm making. And after my mother had passed, I got wrote up on my review for not doing the site visits. And it was written up that because I was gone with my mom was wise of the case. So, they wrote it on there. If they had have written on that the reasons I didn't do the site visits was because of my legally protected reason. What they were doing was not legal because they were writing me up for that.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:28:41

If they hadn't have written that, I would have had to write something to the effect of noting the reason I hadn't done that that they were writing it for was legally protected. But they wrote it right there. So, if it ever came up, they wrote down that they were illegally noting this. But their feedback was they marked me down as not meeting expectations because the fact that I was gone for legally protected reasons, which meant that I wasn't meeting expectations because I was legally protected. Had they given me feedback when I was making the plan and said, your site visits are more important than your supervision, and so we don't want you to supervise. We're going to get supervision to somebody else because we still want your site visits, then that would have been like a time to have given me that feedback and had input on it. At that point in time, it was not a place to have that feedback. So, I did not walk out of that meeting thinking, oh my gosh, I should have done more site visits, I'm so bad at my job.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:29:35

I went to that meeting thinking they're so bad at their job. They don't know what's legally protected and that's on them. So, that feedback, like, how you take feedback, if I had an emotional response, if it made me feel like I was bad at my job, it probably would have been because it was hard to be gone to be with my mom and miss that much work. And I really cared about my job and the work that I did was really important to me and I should have processed that with somebody and everything else, but, fortunately, I was at a place that being there to my mom was so important and losing her was so hard that I was glad I made that choice. Sorry. Every time we talk about my mom, I get like this. That that choice was the right choice. So even my supervisor writing me up for that was like, I made the right choice. So, your feedback, I'm immune to it.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:30:26

But processing the emotion is still important. Like, when we talk about the burnout, like, you need to work through why that would be so hard to hear. So, if you are sitting in a, meeting a supervisor and you hear that same thing, like, you need to process that. And what that might mean for you is that that's not a safe place to work if they don't understand you being legally protected, and they made even worse decisions after that. So, I didn't stay there that much longer, and that was them letting me know that they were not a good stay place to work. Right? So, you need to be able to take that feedback and file it appropriately. It was not filed in the box of, I need to sacrifice more and not be gone when I need to be gone to take care of my family. I filed that in the boxes. This is not a safe place to work. They don't understand their legal obligations to allow me to be with my family when I need to be. I need to decide if this is a place, I want to continue work, is what that feedback meant. It did not mean that I was not good at my job. So, you need to take feedback and put it into the proper category and use it accordingly. But when you receive that feedback, it is, thank you for taking the time for filling out my work whatever else. And if you work at a safe place and you just have a bad supervisor, right, then the feedback would be, like, I need to write her. Thank you for taking the time to fill this out and give me this information. I will need to write a response and file it with HR, but I appreciate you taking the time to give me this information. Like, it wasn't worth that to argue with her why that was illegal. She obviously didn't understand that's why she put it there. And if I would have had like a large organization with a great HR department, that would have been my next conversation was with them.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:32:08

So, that’s how you need to process feedback. The first thing is it's just information. It needs to be neutralized to information. So, hopefully, you can do that immediately. And if you can't, it's probably because there is emotion that's involved.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:32:21

So, my grandmother telling me that I gained weight should be as neutral as her telling me that my dress was orange with flowers on it, right? It should be that neutral. And if it's not that neutral, then I know there's work that I need to be doing later around the emotions that I have around it, not necessarily with her, not necessarily in that moment. And I just need to be grateful. Find the place to be grateful. Find what I can be grateful for and I can be grateful that she loves me enough to be giving me feedback and information because she loves me and she notices things about me. And so, find what you can be grateful for and do what you're grateful for about that situation. And then find your safe place to process the feedback. And this can be when your kids tell you that the food is burnt, that dinner isn't good, to be able to say, like, I'm so glad you're taking the time to notice what is happening with your food and your meal and learning what you like or dislike about food. So, you don't like it cooked that much? That's great that you notice those things. You can if you wanted to be able to say like this is the great thing for you to be able to learn how to cook, you can make sure you can cook it the way you like it.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:33:30

That's also an acceptable comment in my book. But you can definitely, like, find, like, I'm grateful you're figuring out what you like and don't like about the way things taste. You can, like, give that information. Just keep it neutral. Just keep it neutral. I'm grateful you're learning what you like and you don't like, and don't get the emotion attached to it. Don't get it to that point and say, like, can you tell me something you do like about the food on your plate? Tell me about a different meal you've had that you do like. Like, if you're trying to get your kids to focus on more positive things. Right? Tell me something you do like about this. If they're giving you feedback about school or classroom, like, tell me some positive things like, you know, teaching people about feedback. This is a whole different thing. But as you're receiving feedback, find the things to be grateful about, turn it into neutral information, process the emotion later, and then find what is or isn't valuable. Process it through if there's patterns. If this is a pattern, process against what actually resonates with you and what's true for you with the emotion removed.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:34:26

Because again, are you reacting to the fact that this is about how good of a job you're doing? Is this true about your job? Is this an actual fact? Or is this 1 person's misaligned information about, no, I'm not supposed to be at all the sites if I've given you a plan that I'm not be at all the sites because I have protected leave to be with my mom. So, this is not a reflection of me not meeting expectations. I met expectations. You're incorrect in this feedback. So, I'm not finding this the way it's anything that has to do with me. This has to do with you. So, we can put it over here and let it go so that you can decide where it goes in your piles of feedback and it might be factual information. It might be that, yes, your feedback is that I do have clear things that I like or dislike about things and that bothers you.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:35:14

And that's fine. I'm not going to change that about me because I've worked hard to have that be about me. And if that's not something you can appreciate about me, then that's who I am. And so, either you need to be able to accept me as I am and work through that, then you aren't accepting me for who I am and loving me for who I am. And so, this doesn't work. So, how can we make this work? Because this is who I am. And maybe there's a way I can present things in a way that you can be more okay with. That's one thing, but why can't you accept me for who I am? It's a whole different thing.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:35:48

So, good questions, little bit with feedback. I'm very curious how you're hearing all of this and how you're taking this. So, feel free to drop me DMs on Instagram or send me a note to let me know how these things are resonating with you because feedback can be hard to take. But the 1st step for you is just practicing. That's our grit wit for today. That first step is you just practicing accepting the feedback, just hearing it, taking it in. So, you accept the feedback and then finding a way so it's just information, find a new way to be grateful, thankful for it, and then separately processing the information, looking for the trends, see if it resonates with you, then deciding what book it actually falls.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:36:33

And if it falls into something that you actually want to do something with. 1st step though is just accepting feedback and only saying thank you for finding a way to be grateful and possibly be able to say, I will put some thought into that. I will reflect on that. That's something I will consider. And finding those ways of just taking the feedback and leaving it at that, taking all of the wind and power out of it, and just taking his information that you will consider later, and you can decide later for something you actually want to do something with. That's our grit wit. And as we look at our self-maintenance minute, I'm getting the hang of this too. It's all for the new year.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:37:16

Self-maintenance minute. Self-maintenance minute that I have for you guys is that since the new year, I've had a hard time falling asleep. It was great to have some time off at the end of the year, yay, I was able to do that. That was definitely self-maintenance. But since I've come back, my mind has been abuzz with all the things to get done because I was off for a little bit. So, I have actually started with turning the phone off at night and using my app, one of those alarm clocks that like lights up to light and turns on. So, using my alarm clock, not using my phone as my alarm clock. So, turning it off at night, so it's off and I also started taking the melatonin so I can fall asleep easier because I have a whole week of not sleeping well.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:37:59

So, that has been my self-maintenance. It's actually helped my sleep hygiene, so I can fall asleep easier. Not paying attention to my phone, turning it off when I actually go to bed, and taking the melatonin to help myself fall asleep easier has been my self-maintenance this past week or so. I hope you're doing something for you to help you maintain. And, again, it can shift and change what exactly that you're doing to help maintain yourself and take care of yourself. So, thank you so much for being here. I hope this conversation on feedback has been valuable for you as you launch into 2024 and start considering how you take feedback.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:38:35

Thank you for joining us today. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Be sure to jump on over to Instagram and follow us at The.Grit.Show. And if you aren't already following Authentic Connections Podcast Network at 37by27, you should definitely be doing that as well. Don't forget. You are the only one of you that this world has got, and that means something. I'll be here next Tuesday. I hope you are, too.